I Wish I Didn't Feel a Damn Thing
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: I wish I didn't feel a damn thing." Dean Winchester broke last night. Spoilers for Heaven and Hell. Please R&R Hurt!Dean Rewrite per request


--You guys know what happened last night, well, here's my contribution.--

**I Wish I Didn't Feel a Damn Thing**

Kill Anna? What the hell did she do to them? I mean, since when was eavesdropping grounds for death? But these Angels think weird anyways. They think she poses some sort of a threat. They think Sam and I will step down and let them take her, they're on some serious dope. I want a reason. I want a damn good reason for killing some sweet girl for listening to them chat.

Man, I hate to see what they do to people that jay walk.

Then I find out the girl's a friggin' angel. Now _that's_ something I didn't see coming. There isn't a lot left on this planet that surprises me, this was something to cross off the list. I guess I could see how she could be. She's gorgeous. Angels are supposed to be pretty right? Well, not that Cass and Uriel aren't handsome devils.

God Uriel pisses me off. I thought Cass was an asshole. I was _severely_ mistaken. Compared to Uriel Yellow Eyes is starting to look like a saint. Ha, no pun intended.

When Anna made them disappear I didn't know what to think. That was a few hours ago, before we knew about Anna's…history. Damn this is screwed up.

--

I'm not letting them take her. I don't care if they drag me down as deep as Hell goes. I'd rather die than give her up to the Angels, or the demons, whichever comes first. Maybe if they could give me a reason that she should actually die. So she disobeyed orders, who gives a shit? She made her own choice to become human and now they wanna kill her for it. And if I don't hand her over, they'll throw me downstairs like it was nothing.

Send me. Send me down south. If it means saving someone innocent, let me go again. Let me do it a thousand times over, just let Anna live. I like her. I've only known her for a few days but…I do, I like her. Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll like me too.

As soon as that thought's out of my head she walks up, that pretty red hair of hers shining despite the darkness. We start talking. Then the subject I don't, DON'T talk about gets wriggled into our conversation.

"I know what happened Dean," And you think I'm a monster. You think I need to go back there for what I did. You think that you don't want anything to do with me and you wanna run right now. "And it's not your fault." I shook my head. No, no, no this was a no fly zone. Absolutely not.

"I don't talk about that." I say automatically. This isn't her problem to deal with it's mine. I furiously make the tears that welled in my eyes go back to where they came from. I wouldn't break down, not in front of her, not in front of anybody.

"I know," She said. She did? "And I'm here to tell you that if you want to talk…you're not alone." I felt her hand on my cheek. Her touch was so gentle, so warm. Her eyes held a strong tenderness and I knew she had seen me there. Somehow, someway, she had seen me there. I think one of us said something, I don't really know. All I know is she kissed me. I felt a spark, a sharp one. It meant something. She pulled away from me.

"What was that for?" I asked. She smiled.

"Well, ya know, last night on Earth." She said. I grinned back.

"Hey you're stealin' my best line." We kissed again.

--

How the hell we got in my car I don't know. One day I'll look back at this and say: "Dean, this is why you had to get new upholstery." At this particular moment in time, I didn't really care. She had my undivided attention and it wasn't going anywhere. God kissing her felt so good. I pushed Hell out of my mind. I pushed the Apocalypse, Sam, Ruby, Alastair, and the Angels out. Well, all but one. All but the most beautiful one in front of me. I slid back away form her, pulling my shirt up and over my head, trying not to gape at her body. I leaned forward again, softly touching my lips to hers, placing my hands on her waist and undoing her jeans. I tugged the waistband and slipped back again. She yanked them off of her legs and I threw them somewhere behind me, my gaze locked on hers. I slid back up her body, touching my skin to hers as much as possible. Her hands locked behind my neck when she kissed me this time. I kissed back with all the passion I had in me.

She was on top of me moments later, her hands gently gliding over my chest, down my arms, my neck, then back up to my jaw again. Her stare shifted sideways, at my shoulder. I turned and looked at the scar that would never fade away. She placed her soft, warm hand on the thing and pressed her glass like lips against my own.

Was this asking God to kick my ass? I was about to have sex with an Angel, how much more sinful can you get?

I tossed the thought out of my head as the lust in her eyes grew deeper, and I was more than willing to giver what she wanted.

Apparently it worked; she almost broke my friggin' window.

--

No. No, no, no, no, NO, NO!! They can't make me do this. They can't make me choose between Anna and Sam. I care about Anna, more than I probably should. But…Sammy, I can't let them kill Sammy. If he goes down there…God I don't even wanna think about what Lillith's goons'll do to him.

I would rather go myself. Please, I'll do anything, ANYTHING! Just please, please don't hurt them. I'm not worth them dying. An Angel, or my Baby Brother. That's my choices. I know my answer, I just…I just wish Uriel would send me back instead.

Please, God I don't understand! Angels are supposed to help people, right? Not make them feel this way. Not make them choose who lives and who dies. I thought they were supposed to help people but all they seem to do is cause pain. Like right now. Right now I can feel a hand twisting and turning my heart and my gut like silly putty. But I already knew my answer.

--

The tears were there the minute they showed up. She was going to be gone, forever, and it was all my fault. This sweet, beautiful girl was about to be killed by her old "family" because of me.

"How'd you find us?" Sam asked frantically. I swallowed, hard, and kept my mouth shut when Castiel looked at me. "D-Dean? Why?" Sam asked. Before I could answer, she did for me.

"Because it was either hand me over or kill you." She said quietly. How could I have done this to her? She was about to be slaughtered right here in front of me. I couldn't keep the tears back when she kissed me goodbye. Or keep the agony out of my face. I felt them, hot and stinging, slide down my face. When we broke apart she looked at me, silently telling me it was okay, ahe would be alright, and she understood.

"It's okay Dean," Her sweet voice said. "I forgive you." More tears. The painful sobs locked in my chest threatened to burst. I couldn't let them out now, I had to be strong…for her. She stepped in front of them and I stopped listening. But it only lasted a moment.

The demons came. Three I didn't recognize, Alastair and Ruby, who looked like hell warmed over. They yelled at each other, daring one another to attack the other, see what happens.

The fighting started. Castiel took Alastair, Uriel took the goons.

Uriel had no problem with the meager, unskilled demons he was up against, but Castiel was losing, pitifully. Alastair was trying to kill him, and by the looks of it, he was winning too. I looked around and grabbed the first blunt object I could and struck Alastair with it, taking his attention off of the Angel I thought was, alright.

Everything else was a blur. Alastair brought up Hell. I was in a lot of pain, until I saw the white light.

"Close your eyes! Close your eyes! CLOSE YOUR EYES!" And the demons were gone, so was she. I don't know really where she went, or if I'll ever see her again. I hope I do. She was my Angel, and no one could take _that_ away from me.

--

Sammy and I were alive. There was a plus. Everybody was okay, well, physically. My Baby wasn't too jacked up from last night, but I knew Sam had a question. He had kept his end of the bargain, now it was my turn.

"I know you heard him." I said.

"Who?" Sam asked.

"Alastair, what he said. That I had promise." I spat the name out, it was on I hated.

"I heard him." Sam said simply. I couldn't look at him right now, if I did I'd change my mind.

"You're not curious?" I prompted. Maybe Sammy would throw me a bone and say no. Or maybe unicorns are real.

"Dean I'm damn curious but, you're not talkin' about Hell, and I'm not pushin'." He said. So he had given me something. But I had already started, and I owed Sam this much. I paused for a moment, taking a drink of my beer, just to stall.

"It wasn't four months ya know," I said, stifling a shudder.

"What?" Sam asked. I'd taken him off guard, I knew I would.

"It was four months up here but down there, I don't know time's different. It was more like forty years." Forty freakin' years, that was almost double my age.

"My God." Sam said quietly. Yeah, God. He wasn't exactly accessible when I was there.

"They, uh, sliced and carved…and tore me in ways that you," I couldn't finish my sentence. There weren't words to describe it. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm. I could see the instruments they had used on me and stifled another shudder. "Until there was nothin left. And then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic. Just so they could start in all over." This wasn't working. I could feel the corners of my eyes start to sting, feel the water start to fill there. "And Alastair, at the end of every day, every one, he would come over, and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack, if I put souls on. If I started the torturing." I swallowed. Tears were threatening to spill over, but I held them back, I don't know how long I could. "Everyday I told him to stick it where the sun shines." It was getting worse. I didn't want to keep going. Half of me was yelling to stop, to bottle it up and lock it away. And the other was begging me to get this immense weight off my shoulders. So I kept going. "For thirty years I told him. But I couldn't do it anymore Sammy, I couldn't," My voice broke, damn it my voice broke!

"And I got off that rack," It was getting harder to keep these tears at bay. My vision blurred as they stung my eyes. I felt this pain return in my chest. "God help me I got right off…." I took a breath. "And I started tearin' em apart." Their faces, the screaming.

"I lost count of how many souls," A tear fell, the levee was starting to break. "The things that I did to them…" I was starting to let go, to let my guard down, let my walls crack. I couldn't look at Sam. I didn't want him to look at me different.

"Dean," He paused for a moment. "Dean look, you held out for thirty years that's longer than anyone would have." I started to sob at his words. I didn't deserve him trying to make me feel better. I wiped my eyes, trying to compose myself without a shred of success. I was trembling, squeezing my beer bottle as hard as I could without breaking it.

"How I feel, this…inside me," I cried silently, not letting the sobs that were shaking my hands overcome me completely. God, there was this twisting in my chest that hurt so damn bad. "I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy." I choked. Tears were coming so fast now, I couldn't stop them if I tried. "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." I could still see the faces. Screaming and begging me to stop. Asking me from the deepest points of their hearts to stop hurting them. And I didn't. I saw their faces every night, every single night. And they wouldn't stop.

My heart is mangled. I've never been so ashamed of myself. I had done the unthinkable. I had turned into a monster; I might as well be a damn demon. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I sobbed, keeping my face turned away from Sam. No words were gonna change how I felt. I know, eventually Sam will tell me an outright lie and say there was nothing I could do. No, I should have said no. Simple.

Yes I could have. I could have told Alastair to shove it just one more time. I caved. I thought I hated myself before I went into the Pit. This gut wrenching anguish I felt right now…I can't even find the words for it. It was worse than being ripped to pieces by demons. So much worse. God faces, so many faces, going through the same white hot agony that I had to, and I was the one doing it. _I was the one doing it._ I hate myself, I hate myself, I _hate_ myself.

I didn't deserve being saved by angels, and that was why, right now, this overflowing agony that was killing me from the inside out, is why I wish I didn't feel a damn thing.

--There you have it! (Oh, Isobel Swan and ApplePieeLovver i re-wrote the end conversation for the rest of your reading pleasure. Thanks guys!) Feedback please!--


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